Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
