we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
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