the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
