1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
