Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
