I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
