When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
