Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
