I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
