Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
