Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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