one word: firstdatebathroomanal
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
