I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
