Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
