I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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