I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize