I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
40s are totally the cure
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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