my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
