At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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