shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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