Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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