why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize