mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
