I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
