I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
