"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
