i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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