YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
