dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
