and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
