I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
