He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
