Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
