It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
