I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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