i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
