3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
