I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
vagina is talking i cant
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
