i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
