from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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