i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
