so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize