is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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