If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
