Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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