I'm eating all of the evidence.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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