just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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