I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
