i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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