oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
