just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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