the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
