i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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