ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize