Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
