I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
